Rather Be (A Songbird Novel) Page 2

With a forced smile, he slid his thumb across the screen and moved away from me.

  I studied him while he chatted to… Man, it had to be one of his parents. The way he was running a hand through the back of his hair, grimacing, pointing up at the flight boards. Stress pulsed out of him, and that look he used to get whenever he’d let his mother down flashed across his face.

  Damn, I hated that.

  Nixon was perfect, and the amount of pressure his parents always put on him drove me nuts.

  I mean, yeah, upon reflection, I get that they wanted a good life for him. Nixon was their only son, made even more precious by the fact that they lost their firstborn in a reckless accident where safety had taken a back seat to thrill seeking. It happened when Nixon was thirteen. Against her parents’ wishes, his older sister, Reagan, had taken off on a camping trip to Joshua Tree National Park with some seniors from school. Her boyfriend at the time had convinced her to try free-climbing with him. One slip and her life was over.

  It hit the family pretty hard.

  Nixon withdrew from everyone, turning his back on all the friends he once had.

  He even ended up going to a totally different high school…which was lucky for me. I never would have met him otherwise.

  I still remember the first time I saw him—the sad, quiet soul. The perfect A student. The golden son.

  Since Reagan’s death, he’d worked overtime to try to help his parents overcome the tragedy. He told me that he’d been stuck in a fog for a while but he clawed his way out of it, starting a new school, trying to get on with life and make the gaping hole just a little smaller. He’d tried to become everything his parents wanted him to be in order to dull the pain and make things better.

  He was well-behaved, smart, talented and disciplined. Basically capable of becoming anything he wanted.

  But that wasn’t the point.

  Because his parents weren’t just going to let him become anything. He was their precious son, and they wanted him to have a sensible, secure life with a safe, predictable future—a stable job, a gated house, a handpicked wife and a bulletproof car.

  I rolled my eyes as the sarcastic thoughts burned the back of my brain.

  They’d go out of their way to minimize all risks in a bid for their son’s longevity.

  The deep sadness I had to constantly dodge rolled through me.

  I was never quite sure what to do when it hit. Sometimes I got mad at them, and then myself, occasionally Nixon, or his reckless sister. Other times I cried. Most times I lifted my chin and reminded myself that I’d done the right thing.

  It’d just be really great if when I did that, I actually believed it.

  Nixon slid the phone back in his pocket and pressed his lips together. It was good to see his standard expressions hadn’t changed since high school.

  Heavy sighs, lips pressed tight, slumped shoulders. He was pissed off.

  When he turned toward me, I made a funny face, hoping to break him out of his stupor.

  His lips twitched and he closed his eyes, shaking his head as he shuffled back to my side.

  “Damn this snow, right?” He glanced up at the boards again. “I can’t see those canceled signs changing any time soon.”

  I followed his line of sight, then gave him a glum smile. “Probably not.”

  He clenched his jaw, and my stomach pitched. Damn, that was sexy. Call me weird, but I’d always had a thing for Nixon’s jaw clenching. The way the muscles on his strong face tightened for a second. I wanted to touch his cheek, run my finger down to his chin.

  Kiss his lips.

  I squeezed my eyes shut and looked to the floor. He’d never been my boyfriend, and he probably never would be. Kissing was off the table, whether I wanted it to be or not.

  But that didn’t mean we couldn’t hang out and have some fun. Yeah, mega-awkwardness was a possibility, but if I kept it light and fun, pretended that the last four years hadn’t existed, hid my pain behind a bright smile, then maybe we could capture a moment in time. We could create a memory that would make us smile somewhere down the road.

  Clearing my throat, I caught his eye and gave him my best grin. “So…the rents giving you a hard time, huh?”

  He snickered, flashing his straight, white teeth at me. I used to say that to him all the time, and his reaction told me he hadn’t forgotten.

  I missed us.

  Swallowing the lump in my throat, I kept my grin in place while he answered me.

  “Something like that. I’m supposed to be back in LA for spring break.”

  “Oh boy.” I bulged my eyes, knowing just how much he was saying with those two short sentences.

  World crisis! The plan’s been changed!

  I kept my sarcastic murmurings locked inside my mouth and overrode them by softly stating the obvious. “I bet they’re pissed about those canceled flights.”

  “Disappointed.” Nixon’s head bobbed.

  “Nothing you can do about them though, right?”

  His thin lips turned into a fleeting pout as he shook his head.

  So I did the only thing that was left to do.

  Grabbing his hand, I gave it a jiggle and said, “Let’s go have some fun.”

  “Uh…” The look on his face brought back a rush of memories that nearly made my eyes water.

  “Come on, Charlie, don’t do this to me again. Don’t pull me out of my comfort zone.”

  I’d been torturing him ever since we started hanging out junior year.

  But I’d never lost.

  Because deep down, underneath all that ordered discipline and analytical thought, lay a guy who just wanted to break out and have a good time.

  I wiggled my eyebrows at him. “Come on, you know you want to.”

  He turned his grimace into a strained smile. “I don’t know, Charlie. I should probably stick around, just in case…”

  “In case what?” I laughed. “In case the weather suddenly clears? You know that’s not happening. Let’s at least go have a drink and catch up. You can come back and join the line later. I bet it will have barely moved by the time we get back.”

  He sighed at my logic, knowing I was right. “I shouldn’t leave the airport though.”

  “That’s cool.” I shrugged. “You got a million bucks? I’m sure that’d buy us a drink or two at one of these airport bars.”

  He laughed and shook his head, then pressed his lips together and looked down the line.

  The counter was at least twenty people away. He wasn’t getting near that thing any time soon.

  Letting go of his hand, I started doing a little dance and whistling a song from years ago—“Don’t Worry, Be Happy.” It used to irritate him, but for some reason it would always win him over in the end. He was a worrier, and there was nothing more triumphant than pulling him out of those frowny faces he made.

  His eyebrows dipped in the middle, so I whistled a little louder.

  “Stop,” he whispered out the side of his mouth, looking around and giving the guy next to us an embarrassed smile. “Don’t whistle.” He cringed.

  I grinned and started singing.

  His eyebrows popped high. “And now you’re singing. With the accent too. That’s not embarrassing at all.”

  I laughed and kept going, tugging on his wrist and easily pulling him out of the line.

  His eyes warmed with a familiar affection that I could feel all the way to the tips of my purple boots.

  It was just like old times. Me pulling a reluctant Nixon away from his straight-laced, ordered life to show him a slice of something he never got at home—spontaneous fun.

  Chapter Three

  Nixon

  It was so familiar, Charlie dragging me into something I’d never do on my own.

  If she hadn’t shown up, I would have waited in that line all night.

  As predicted, Shayna was pissed about the snow. She wasn’t mad at me, per se, but it sure felt like it when she was complaining in my ear that I’d promised to be home
so we could spend spring break doing…

  I glanced down at Charlie’s blue hair, the feel of her tiny fingers around my wrist.

  Part of me wanted to shake myself free of her, but a bigger part understood that I’d never be able to. She’d be with me for life, no matter what I did.

  My swallow was thick and audible as we stopped outside a restaurant.

  “They serve beer. We’re all good.” Charlie wove through the tables and lined up behind a couple of tired travelers.

  I pulled my wallet out of my pocket while Charlie messed around with her bag, eventually yanking out a homemade-looking thing with bright orange, red and pink stripes and a long leather tassel attached to the zipper. I had to smile. I’d always loved her color. I grew up in a world of navy blues and gray. She grew up on a rainbow.

  While we waited our turn, she looked up at me. “So, why are you in New York?”

  “Oh, I, uh…I was visiting Columbia Law School. One of the professors gave me a tour, because…well, I’ve applied to go there.”

  Her smile was slow, but eventually spread across her face as she nodded. “Good for you.”

  She swallowed and looked away from me, making me feel like I’d somehow let her down.

  The thought riled me but I didn’t want to let it show, so I gently nudged her with my elbow. “How about you? What brought you to the Big Apple?”

  She tapped her camera. “Just scouting some good locations. I’m doing freelance jobs, but the main company I work with does weddings, and one of their couples is determined to get hitched in New York, even though they’re from LA. But they have visions of photos in Times Square and leaning against the golden bull. So, it’ll be a weekend trip to New York in May.”

  “Why didn’t they just get New York people to plan the wedding?”

  “That’s what I said, but Sarah and Justin, the wedding planners, are happy to do it. It’s income for them, and they like to have as many face-to-face meetings with their clients as possible. So the fact that the couple lives in LA is convenient, I guess.” She shrugged and brushed her hand through the air. “I don’t know. It’s actually pretty cool that this couple is doing something outside the box. I admire that. Plus it got me a free trip to New York, so I’m not complaining.”

  I snickered. “That is pretty cool.”

  “I’d hate to live here though. I mean, I love how alive and interesting the city is. So much color. But…” Her nose wrinkled. “Too much concrete.”

  My heart squeezed and my stomach bunched into a tight knot. I didn’t want to think about the fact that if I did get into Columbia, I’d be moving to “the concrete jungle” in August. I wasn’t ready to face that part of my life yet.

  There was still a chance that I wouldn’t get in.

  Shayna would be gutted; she wanted to move to NYC more than anything. And my parents would be horrified. Their son never failed.

  Which was why I gave the interview my best shot. It was the right thing to do. It made the people I loved happy, and that was important.

  “So, why law school in New York?” Charlie studied me, peeling back layers like no one else ever could.

  I ran a hand over my hair and patted the back. “Oh, you know, I just want to try something new, and Columbia is a top school, so…”

  “Your parents want you to go there, don’t they?” Charlie’s voice was dry and I’m pretty sure she rolled her eyes as she spun away from me to order our drinks.

  I stuffed my wallet back in my pocket when she insisted on paying for both of us. I said I’d get the next round. She wasn’t my girlfriend. Never really was. Never would be.

  Besides, she wasn’t the type to let some guy look after her that way. A free spirit was the best way to define her. Like a wisp floating on the breeze that you could never catch because she’d change direction on you last minute.

  Unlike me—a solid rock, safe and unmoving.

  I clamped my teeth against the biting pain that still stung even after all this time. It was tempting to grab her by the shoulders and shake her until she coughed up the truth, gave me an explanation for just taking off the way she did. We were best friends and she just walked away from it!

  But as much as I wanted to ask for the truth, I wouldn’t.

  Because maybe I didn’t want to know the answer.

  Besides, what was the point? It wasn’t going to change anything.

  I’d moved on. There was no room left for Charlie in my life.

  Wrapping my fingers around the cold glass, I sat at the metal table opposite my high school buddy and gave her a pointed look. “Columbia’s a good school. I’d be lucky to get in there.”

  “As long as it’s what you want, then more power to you, man.” She raised her glass. “To the Big Apple, and all the exciting adventures you’ll have here.”

  It took me a second to raise my glass and tap it against hers.

  Exciting adventures. Those two words didn’t really feature in my life anymore. Not since Charlie left.

  My throat grew thick with a mixture of longing and pain.

  Being around her was a really bad idea.

  I should go join that line again. It’s safe there.

  Safe and boring!

  I gulped back the cold amber brew and gazed at my friend. She winked at me, her eyes dancing with that familiar cheer I could never resist.

  Unnerved by my weakness around her, I shuffled in my seat and pointed to her camera. “So, photography. No surprises there. It’s the perfect job for you.”

  “Yeah, well I’ve tried a bunch of different stuff, but I always come back to it. After high school…” Her voice cut off as her eyes darted to her glass. She started drawing patterns in the condensation, the chipper spark from her voice dying a little. “I moved to Montana for a few months, um, to stay with my aunt. She’s a—”

  “Nature photographer. I remember.”

  Charlie gave me a closed-mouth smile. “Yeah, well, she taught me everything she knew and then… Yeah, I just really loved it.”

  “You always loved it,” I murmured.

  My soft comment froze us both and we stared at each other for a minute. I didn’t know what she was thinking, but my mind shot straight back to Yosemite and the summer after graduation. The one that simultaneously made and destroyed my life.

  “I’ve never deleted one photo of you,” she murmured, her eyes shining when she smiled at me. “I even kept those ones of that time you dressed up like a woman and I tried to pull off being a guy. Do you remember that?”

  I forced out a snicker. “I still don’t know how you talked me into that.”

  “We had people fooled.”

  “Except that old couple in the diner. Do you remember them? They were so confused.”

  “And then so horrified.” Charlie laughed out her sentence, her voice deep with a chuckle.

  The smile that lit her face was sunshine and I couldn’t help joining her. “You told me you’d delete those.”

  “No, I didn’t. I just promised to never show them to anyone.” Her right eyebrow arched. “And I never have. They are reserved for my private collection, which I only pull out when I need a good belly laugh.”

  I grinned at the expression on her face, wondering what other photos she had in there. No doubt the ones of me diving off the high board at the community pool after she dared me. I nearly shit my pants, it was so freaking terrifying. She had her finger planted on the button and got like twenty snapshots of my fear.

  I’d never heard her laugh so hard.

  But that smile she gave me. That pride.

  Man, I’d loved her in that moment. I’d loved her since the day I met her.

  I drank another mouthful of beer, hoping it’d cool the burning inside me. The one that reminded me she was never meant to be mine.

  She’d always been too wild and crazy for boring ol’ me.

  Sometimes her carefree nature scared me. Most of the time it drew me in.

  But not anymore.


  I was with the right person. Shayna was stable, settled. She liked to plan, and it was easy to just follow along with whatever she wanted. We were a good match. And she wasn’t going to ditch me without a word. She wasn’t one for surprises, so I never had to worry about impulsive behavior or hare-brained ideas.

  It was good.

  It was…safe.

  Charlie licked the beer off her bottom lip, her eyes narrowing as she studied me.

  “What?” My eyebrows flickered with a frown.

  She pursed her lips. “You don’t look happy.”

  I groaned and tipped my head to the sky, trying to hide how rattled I was by Charlie’s perceptiveness. “I’m stuck in a snowbound airport, destined to have a crappy night’s sleep on some hard plastic chairs or a dirty airport floor. Of course I’m not happy.”

  She snorted and shook her head. “Well, we definitely have to do something about that.”

  I narrowed my eyes at her. “You can’t fix this one. You don’t have a magic wand to get rid of the snow. You can’t magically fly me home. I just have to accept the fact that things aren’t going to plan.”

  “Or…” She leaned across the table and patted my forearm. “You could embrace the moment and think of this as an opportunity to have some fun at JFK!”

  Her eyes danced with her sales pitch, her bright face reminding me of everything I’d been missing.

  I scoffed and fought a smile. The eternal optimist. She hadn’t changed a bit.

  “I’m taking on this challenge.” She pointed at me.

  “What challenge?”

  “To make you smile so wide it hurts your face. And to make you relax and do something…unhindered.” She slapped the table and stood, running back to the bar and returning a few minutes later with tequila shots.

  “No.” I shook my head.

  “Yes!” She grabbed my hand and gave it a quick lick before sprinkling some salt on it.

  I sighed while she did the same to her own hand. Holding out a shot glass, she gave me a bright smile. “You ready?”

  I shook my head but took the glass anyway.

  “Okay. One, two, three.” She laughed, licked her hand and then threw the shot back.

  I did the same and winced at the burning sensation down my throat. Grabbing the lime wedge, I sucked it, then stuck out my tongue.