Rather Be (A Songbird Novel) Page 4

  I gritted my teeth, cursing my drunken mouth. “We’re just driving back to LA together. It’s no big deal.”

  “O-kay.” She drew out the word, basically telling me she thought I was full of shit.

  I huffed. “You don’t believe me.”

  “No. I think you’re going to end up falling in love with him all over again and you’ll get back to LA a sad, pathetic mess.”

  My nostrils flared as I gripped the phone, and for a fleeting second I wished I’d never moved in with Kelly’s sister-in-law. “Thanks for your encouragement, roomie.”

  “Yeah, well Maestro and I will be available for comfort cuddles as soon as you get back.”

  As if agreeing with her, Maestro barked in the background. His tail was probably going nuts.

  I bit back a smile and managed a clipped, “You suck.”

  “Yet I love you enough to say it.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Come on, Fliss. This decision is not all bad. It’ll give me a chance to—”

  “What if he has a girlfriend?” She cut me off with a thought that felt like rusting copper in my belly—a green, toxic ache that I had to douse with serious amounts of logic.

  “This isn’t about hooking up or anything. I’m not…” I sighed, not sure what my answer even was. “I just want to spend a little time with him. Somehow make it right.”

  Fliss only knew part of the story. At least I thought that was all she knew.

  I left Nixon with no explanation. That’s all I could admit to. Saying more only made me cry and I hated doing that.

  “Okay,” Fliss whispered. “Just don’t do anything impulsive, okay? Your life is good right now. You’ve been in the same place for nearly a year. That’s like a record for you. And his life is probably settled and awesome. So, you know, be careful.”

  I pursed my lips, scrambling for a light way to end the conversation. I didn’t want her worrying about me.

  “You know, for someone who dates a rock star, you’re extremely boring.”

  “I think the word you’re looking for is sensible.”

  “Boring.”

  “Sensible.”

  I gave up with a huff. If Fliss was anything, she was stubborn, and I’d never win a fight like that with her.

  She giggled in my ear. “Drive safe, Chuck. I love you.”

  “Love you too,” I muttered before hanging up.

  I slipped the phone into my bag just as Nixon came out of the bathroom. His smile was sweet, the way it always had been, and I walked toward it…hope, excitement and maybe just a touch of fear fluttering in my ribcage.

  I was about to get the redemption I’d been hoping for since the day I took off to Montana.

  Chapter Seven

  Nixon

  Driving out of NYC was slow going. Not only was it midnight by the time we pulled out of the airport, but there was also still a light snow falling and I wasn’t used to driving in those conditions. I gripped the wheel tight enough for my fingers to ache, driving at a snail’s pace along the slushy roads.

  It was insane. I was in a car with my long-lost love, driving through the snow while my disappointed girlfriend waited for me, clueless to what I was really doing.

  You’re such an idiot, man.

  I ignored the derogatory voice in my head and concentrated on the road.

  Thanks to snow plows, the highway was pretty clear, but I still took my sweet time while Charlie rabbited on about how pretty the snow looked in the streetlights. Only she could make something beautiful out of a nuisance like snow.

  I leaned forward and glanced up through the windshield like she told me to. White flakes spun and danced in the light beams, creating a magic that you couldn’t find in LA. My lips twitched with a smile.

  Charlie, totally inspired, lowered her window and snapped shots using different shutter speeds. The couple of times I glanced at her she was staring at the digital display on the back of her camera with this excited grin on her face. It made the frigid breeze she was letting in easier to bear.

  Her smile warmed me, making it impossible to say, “Can you put up the window, please?”

  Eventually there was a click and a whir as the window slowly shut out the cold. I focused on the road and getting us safely through to Pennsylvania while Charlie hummed and fiddled with her favorite toy.

  I’d always loved how creative she was.

  Before we officially met, I’d known her as the girl with the camera. The artsy weird one who spent most of her time looking at everything through a lens. She didn’t have many friends. She was one of those friends with everybody kind of people. Always talking to someone, but never really attached.

  It wasn’t until we connected over an iPod at the start of junior year that her status changed. We became an inseparable duo—Nixon and Charlie. Charlie and Nix. It soon got shortened to Chix, which I didn’t particularly love, but it made Charlie laugh so I never said anything.

  Leaning her head back against the headrest, Charlie let out a loud yawn, which set me off.

  “Man, I’m tired,” I murmured, rubbing my eyes and checking the clock. We’d been driving for over two hours.

  “Yeah, me too.” Charlie gazed out the windshield.

  The snow had stopped falling, the inky night sky an endless mass in front of us. The state highway was well lit, but driving at night when tired was never the safest way to go.

  “Why don’t we find a truck stop or something. We can catch a few Zs in the car. Even just a couple of hours to recharge the batteries.”

  “Sounds good to me.” Charlie smiled.

  I pointed at my phone. “Find us something, will ya?”

  I told her my pin number and she unlocked the phone. Thankfully my messages weren’t up. I didn’t really want her seeing Shayna’s name. I didn’t know why. I guess I still wasn’t ready to bring my girlfriend into the equation. I would eventually, but not when I was running on fumes.

  After some sleep and a coffee, there was a chance I’d find the courage to raise it.

  I had to find the courage.

  As tempting as it was to pretend that Shayna didn’t exist for the next few days, it’d be an asshole thing to do. I didn’t want it tainting my time with Charlie, but it was my reality. I had a girlfriend…and Charlie needed to know.

  About thirty minutes later, somewhere near Allentown, we pulled into a truck stop and parked away from the 24-hour diner. The weather in Pennsylvania was pretty clear. Yanking a jacket out of my bag, I passed it to Charlie so she wouldn’t get cold. She hesitated before taking it, her eyes misting with a look that told me I was a sweet guy and maybe she’d missed me.

  I wanted to scoff and ask her why the hell she’d left then, but I pressed my lips together and rolled away from her, trying to get comfy on the seat. Even though I’d pushed it back as far as it could go, it was no bed.

  Sleep captured me eventually, but it didn’t last more than a couple of hours. It was impossible to reach complete oblivion with the uncomfortable position and the constant coming and going of trucks.

  Eventually Charlie sat up with a huff and muttered, “I’m getting coffee.”

  I glanced at my watch and noted the time — 5:30 a.m.

  I dragged my butt out of the car and we had a silent breakfast inside the diner. We were both too tired to chat. But by the time we hit the road again, our bellies filled with food and caffeine running through our veins, we felt a little better.

  Charlie offered to drive, but I wanted to keep going. I liked the excuse of a wheel in my hand and a windshield to look out of. If I just sat in the passenger seat, I’d end up staring at her, studying the curve of her cheek and the way her blue hair rested on her breasts.

  She’d always had great breasts—34 C.

  The only reason I knew that was because she made me go bra shopping with her once. For a girl with her tiny frame, her breasts were pretty decent. Decent and perfect. That’s what I’d told her when she was lamenting the fact that her boobs felt enormou
s and she hated them.

  The smile on her face after I told her what I thought would be permanently burned into my memory.

  I cleared my throat and shuffled in my seat. Charlie was messing around with the stereo while she sucked on a blueberry lollipop and tried to find some decent music to play. Every radio station was either ads, talking, or a total bust on music awesomeness.

  In the end she huffed and pulled out her phone, then scrambled around in her bag until she yanked out a connection cable.

  Plugging it in, she got some music going off her Spotify playlist before nestling it into a cup holder. With a satisfied smile, she leaned her head back and looked at me.

  “In Too Deep” by Sum 41 blasted through the car and I couldn’t help but smile. Man, that brought back some memories. We used to rock out to that song all the time, especially during finals. Charlie would sing it, her face awash with panic as we walked toward the testing rooms.

  I’d wrap my arm around her and tell her she’d be fine.

  I don’t know if she ever believed me.

  But she graduated, and her grades were good enough to get into community college. She’d talked about attending one near UCLA until her plans changed and she just disappeared.

  I gripped the wheel, clenching my jaw against that feeling. It was like dry ash in my throat and burning bile in my stomach. I felt like I’d lost my life the day I found out she’d ditched all our plans and taken off.

  Charlie pulled the lollipop out of her mouth and licked her shiny blue lips.

  “So, I never asked you last night. How’d you manage to convince your parents that driving back was all good? I saw you texting and then you turned for the counter. Surely they were pissed.”

  My lips rose into a half smile. She still thought I’d been texting my parents back and forth. I kept up the illusion and murmured, “I just said I was doing everything I could to get home. I’ll no doubt get another text soon and I’ll reply with what I’m doing, saying I couldn’t sit around in New York. Driving would be a nice chance for me to unwind before…” I glanced at Charlie and swallowed.

  “Before what?”

  I shrugged, not wanting to go there. “Before the hard stuff really kicks in.”

  She slowly put the lollipop back into her mouth, her eyes narrowing as she studied my profile. “You’re being vague.”

  I have to be vague, dammit!

  I couldn’t go there. I could not get the words out of my mouth.

  I sighed and scratched the back of my head. “You know, the hard stuff. The last chunk before law school. It’s going to be crazy, and there’s no guarantees I’ll get into Columbia.”

  She snorted. “You’ll get into Columbia. Come on, Nix. There’s nothing you can’t do.”

  Except keep you.

  The thought came out of nowhere and kind of surprised me with its fervor.

  I gritted my teeth and kept my eyes ahead.

  “You know, I thought you had your heart set on journalism. The whole lawyer thing kind of surprises me.”

  I shrugged and wondered why my throat suddenly felt so thick. “I took a few journalism classes in my first year, but…” I blinked and shook my head. “Law’s a good choice for my future. Plenty of job opportunities and potential in a career like that.”

  Shit. Did I just parrot my dad?

  “Yeah, for sure. If it makes you happy, then go for it.”

  I turned away and rolled my eyes. Why did she always have to go on about being happy, like it was the sole purpose for living?

  She had been my happy and she’d left, making me miserable. I’d learned not to put so much stock in happiness. Contentment was way more important.

  “So, are you still writing?” she asked.

  I blinked and checked out the landscape to my left. The sun was rising behind us, the golden light hitting the clouds and turning them all shades of yellow, orange and pink.

  I checked the rearview mirror and distracted Charlie with it.

  She looked over her shoulder and gasped, then yanked out her camera. I was given a short reprieve from having to admit that since she left, my passion for the written word had kind of died. I just couldn’t get into it. All those classes had done was remind me of everything I’d wanted to do with Charlie. In the end I quit them and started taking classes that had nothing to do with writing. Dad suggested a bunch of different things and I just kind of followed along until I found myself heading for law. It wasn’t so bad. I didn’t know what the hell else I wanted to do, and I liked that following in his footsteps made him so proud.

  Once the clicking was done and Charlie had checked out what she’d taken, she tucked her camera away and asked again, “So, the writing. You still doing it?”

  I shook my head, unable to fight a glum smile. “I just don’t have time. Classes keep me way busier than I thought they would.”

  Her forehead crinkled with sadness, her lips dipping into a soft frown. “Bummer. You were so good. I used to love reading your stuff. Those articles you wrote for the school paper were genius. Hell, you were the school paper, dude.”

  I grinned. “Yeah, I remember. You took the photos and I turned them into a story.”

  “I know that probably made us super nerds, but I felt so incredibly cool and empowered.”

  Leaning forward with a carefree laugh, I tapped the wheel with my hand and enjoyed a few memories. Our small class in Mr. Sheffield’s cluttered room. We’d sit at our computers for hours. I’d been appointed chief editor and I put Charlie in charge of photography. Mae, Aubrey and Walnut (shit, I can’t even remember his real name!) were reporters, Chen and Izzy were the proofreaders and the girl with the bright red curls was in charge of layout.

  “Who was the layout girl again?”

  “Oh, Strawberry Shortcake.” Charlie nodded. “She was a cool chick.”

  “What was her real name?”

  Charlie paused, her eyes narrowing before her forehead wrinkled. “Susanna?” The way her voice pitched told me she was plucking the name out of thin air.

  I snickered and shook my head at how useless we were.

  Putting together the monthly school paper had been one of my favorite things to do. Man, we’d had some sway at the school the week before publication. All the jocks wanted to make sure their names were in there, and the drama kids demanded we write ad nauseam about their plays. The principal was always concerned that we didn’t take the whole “free speech” thing too seriously. And our advisors just wanted to make sure we got the damned thing out by our deadline each month.

  We always did. And it was freaking awesome.

  “Hopefully I’ll get back to it one day,” I murmured.

  I couldn’t imagine it. Between studying, Shayna and my parents, I didn’t really have time for myself. Besides, my heart hadn’t been in it. According to my parents, journalism wasn’t a secure path to take. They were going to let me give it a try, but I knew they wanted something more stable for me. I was prepared to push and fight for it, but when Charlie left like she did, all the zeal went right out of me, and it was easier to just go along with what they suggested.

  Our plans had been so huge that summer. Charlie and I spent hours talking about what we’d do.

  And then it all fell apart.

  I glanced at my friend, fighting a mixture of anger and despair. I wanted to hate her for changing my life so suddenly, but then I couldn’t. Because she was Charlie. And hating her was impossible.

  “So, how are the travel plans coming?”

  Her smile was tight. “Still working on it. Saving. You know how it is.”

  “You were going to travel the world.”

  “And I still am,” she snapped, then softened her defensive tone with a grin. “I’ll get there. One day. I will. I still want to see every country on this planet if I can.”

  She stared at the dash, her lips twitching into a frown.

  “You know, I always thought you’d gone without me. When you first left after the sum
mer, and then never came back, I couldn’t help but wonder if you’d just…flown away.” I flicked my fingers through the air, trying to sound like the idea didn’t kill me.

  Charlie’s face crumpled with a look I couldn’t determine. For a second I thought she was about to cry, but then she drew in a slow breath and looked out her window. “I went to my aunt’s place in Montana.”

  “Yeah, I know,” I mumbled.

  “She taught me a bunch of awesome stuff, really set me on the right path, you know?”

  “So you didn’t go to college at all, then?”

  “I, um…” She looked down and started tracing the checkers on her pants. “I enrolled for the second semester, but I hated it, so I dropped out to pursue photography.”

  “But still no travel.”

  “A bit. I mean, I’ve gone up and down the West Coast and back to Montana again. Just working different jobs and…” She shrugged. “But I’ve been in LA for nearly a year. A friend of mine lost her roommate so I stepped up, and the feeble business I started three years ago really picked up once I stopped moving around. It’s a good way to make some money…so I can travel. Because I’ll get there, Nix. I’m definitely going.” She looked at me, her hazel eyes bright with determination…and something else. I didn’t know what it was, but there was something deeper going on in that gaze. Because I was driving, I couldn’t look at her long enough to figure it out.

  Facing the road again, I concentrated on getting us back to LA safely.

  Because that’s where my real life was.

  A girl who’d never break my heart was waiting for me.

  And I had to get back to her before the girl beside me unearthed all the buried dreams and hopes I’d been squashing in order to survive.

  Chapter Eight

  Charlie

  I couldn’t believe Nixon called me out on the whole travel thing.

  And I couldn’t believe he wasn’t writing anymore!

  That was a travesty.

  He was amazing. The guy knew how to make the most boring information sound fascinating. He would have made such a great reporter…or a travel writer.