Hole Hearted (A Songbird Novel) Read online

  “Good,” I murmured, not having the heart to ask who she’d been talking to.

  She looked more tired than usual…more fragile.

  The panicked beat inside my chest kicked in big time, and I had to look away from her, sliding the backpack off my shoulders and laying it at the end of the bed. I glanced back and my heart wouldn’t calm the hell down.

  Mom pursed her lips and started blinking fast. I didn’t see her cry much. She saved up that kind of thing for a locked bathroom when she didn’t think I could hear her.

  I stepped around the bed and sat in my usual spot. Taking her hand, I rubbed my thumb over the back of it. Even her fingers were skinny now. Two years ago, the doctor told her she had breast cancer. Since then she’d fought it…until about three months ago when they told us it had moved into her brain and there was nothing more they could do. They used a bunch of big words I didn’t understand, like masking the reality would somehow make it less brutal.

  It didn’t.

  Cancer was eating my mother alive. They should have just said that, because it was the truth. Mom used to be like the sun—bright and vibrant, shining with a warmth you couldn’t escape from, even if you were in a bad mood.

  Now she was a soft glow. Her heart was still big and beautiful, but she didn’t have the energy to beam anymore.

  She spent the first year denying it. Swearing that chemo and radiation and operations would cure her. They did for a while, but the cancer always came back, more pissed off than before.

  Adjusting her thick glasses, Mom sniffed and gave me a smile.

  It was one of her closed-mouth ones, which meant she was doing everything she could to keep it in…to hide the pain.

  I couldn’t say anything. I just held her hand and stared at her.

  She’d been making a lot of phone calls lately. She always tried to hide it, but the last couple of days when I arrived after school she was finishing up a call. I wanted to yell at her to stop planning for the future, but I wasn’t stupid. She was getting prepared.

  I swallowed.

  The day before, she was saying goodbye to her lawyer as I walked in. I knew it was him because she said, “Thanks so much, Gerry.” And I only knew one Gerry.

  I didn’t know who she’d just finished talking to, but it’d made her kind of emotional.

  Usually she told me everything, but something was off. Whoever she told this address to was someone she hadn’t seen in a really long time. I could tell by the jittery way Mom pinched her lower lip into a V shape.

  She hadn’t told me much about her past. I knew her dad died when she was five and her mom died when she was ten. Then she was put into foster care. I knew she had a sister, but they were separated before I was born. I didn’t know how. I’d never met my Aunt Cassie, so either Mom couldn’t find her or they had some bad blood running between them.

  I wondered what it’d be like to have a brother or sister. For the last twelve years, it’d been me and Mom. I didn’t mind so much. But when I found out she was going to die for real… I haven’t stopped feeling lonely since. When she went, I was gonna have no one, and I’d be an idiot to try and pretend like that didn’t scare the crap out of me.

  Mom wouldn’t tell me what foster care was like. I asked once, and her skin went so white I thought she was going to pass out. She managed to stutter that it was tough and she didn’t like to dwell on it—whatever the hell that meant. I never asked her again, but I hoped my time in the system would be better than hers.

  The system.

  I shuddered, imagining how awful it was going to be.

  “Are you okay?” Mom squeezed my hand. “Do you need a drink or something to eat?”

  I shook my head, trying to hide what I’d been thinking. “Nah, I’m good.”

  She gazed at me then, her hazel eyes starting to glimmer. “You know what you do need to do?”

  “What?”

  “Smile.” She touched my cheek, forcing my mouth up at the side.

  I couldn’t do it.

  How was I supposed to smile when all I felt like doing was crying?

  “Remember how lucky we are, baby.” Mom’s voice shook with conviction. “Promise you’ll never forget it. Never stop being grateful for what you have. No matter where you go or what you end up doing with your life, there’s goodness in everything. Even if it’s just the smallest spark, I want you to find it.”

  I’d heard the speech so many times before, but I couldn’t roll my eyes like I wanted to. I just stared at her and promised, “I will, Mom.”

  Gently shifting away from her touch, I stood from the bed and walked to the window. I didn’t want her to see my eyes. They were stinging pretty bad, and if I kept looking at her, I’d cry. I didn’t want to do that. She needed me to be strong.

  Mom cleared her throat and then “My Favorite Waste of Time” started playing from her phone. I closed my eyes and couldn’t help a snicker.

  She always used music to change a mood. It didn’t matter how bad things got, she was always able to find a song that would make my lips twitch.

  Glancing over my shoulder, I saw her mouthing the words, her bony limbs trying to dance as she tempted me to give in.

  Her head bobbed with the beat, a sweet laugh coming out of her as she got the lyrics wrong. Covering her mouth, she giggled and then spread her arms wide.

  I couldn’t resist.

  Shuffling back across the room, I sat on the edge of the bed and rested my head on her shoulder. She kept singing, brushing the hair off my forehead and holding me like I was five again.

  I didn’t mind so much. When you knew your mother’s hugs had a time limit, you didn’t care that you were twelve going on thirteen and it wasn’t cool to do that kind of thing anymore.

  You took it.

  Because it made you feel better.

  Because you never knew which one was going to be the last.

  Chapter Three

  Cassie

  The hospice smelled clean. It was quiet, people’s movements hushed and respectful. I gripped my bag strap and headed down the hallway the receptionist told me to take. My emotions were everywhere. It was a struggle to contain them. In the car, I let out what I could, yelling at Crystal for leaving me, cursing her for being so damn selfish.

  I didn’t cry…I managed to pull myself together before that happened.

  But by the time I reached the hospice, I was mentally exhausted. I hoped I had the strength to hold up around her. I had no idea what to say. Did I tell her everything I screamed in the car? She deserved my anger after what she’d done.

  Rounding the corner, I spotted the room Crystal was living…dying…in.

  My stomach clenched.

  Dying.

  She was only twenty-seven. In that second, I didn’t care what she’d done to me. No one deserved to die so young.

  Biting my lips together, I slowly approached the room. A boy with dark hair and pale brown eyes stood at the drinking fountain, eyeing me up. I glanced at his cautious expression, not understanding it. His wide mouth dipped at the edges, his soulful gaze tugging at my heart.

  He reminded me of someone I once knew…a sad, lonely girl who’d just lost her mother.

  I’d only been six at the time. He looked much older than that, but the expression was still the same—uncertainty, tinged with a low-lying fear that your life was about to turn to shit.

  I glanced away from him. I didn’t know who he was, and it wasn’t actually my problem. I had my own battles to face.

  Pausing outside Crystal’s door, I drew in a breath and held it. My hand shook as I raised my knuckles and rapped once on the door.

  “Come in.” Crystal sounded weak and tired, so I pushed the door open gently, telling myself to breathe as I turned to face my long-lost sister.

  She was not at all like I remembered her. She’d cut her hair. I didn’t remember her having curls, but her scalp was covered with them—short, tight ringlets. Last time I’d seen her, she’d had waist-le
ngth locks, fine and straight. They’d fly in the wind when she ran.

  I threaded my fingers together and gripped until it hurt.

  Crystal gazed at me. Her eyes were glistening with affection. They shone with a peace and beauty I hadn’t seen since Mom died. If I were honest, I couldn’t remember seeing it…ever. I was so young and she’d been my tower. But then that tower started to crumble and disappeared altogether.

  My nostrils flared as I fought my raging emotions. I wouldn’t let them show. I was not broken. I was in control.

  “Hey, sis.” Crystal’s wide mouth lifted into a grin.

  I couldn’t smile back.

  “It’s been a long time.” Her voice was husky and shaking a little.

  I kept mine flat and even…controlled. “Thirteen years.”

  “I’m sorry it took me so long to call you.”

  She looked like she meant it. The regret in her gaze nearly undid me, so I looked to the white blanket covering her skeletal body. “H-how’d you find me?”

  “I started with a social worker in Bakersfield. She helped me track where you ended up.” She paused, filling the space between us with such thick emotion it nearly swallowed me whole. “In the end I spoke to um… a…Michelle, is it?”

  I bobbed my head. “The Kellermans were my last family.”

  “She sends her love.”

  Working my jaw to the side, I shooed away the guilt that niggled. I hadn’t spoken to the Kellermans since I graduated. As soon as I had my diploma, I left Bakersfield and never looked back.

  “She was very kind and helpful. I’m so glad you—”

  “What do you want, Crystal?” I snapped, not caring that I’d interrupted her. My breaths were getting punchy. I couldn’t talk about the Kellermans. So, they were kind and sympathetic, but they didn’t really know. I had to get away…to separate myself from all that had been before.

  Crystal let out a soft sigh. It sounded sad and defeated so I looked up. Her face crested with pain as she whispered, “I’m dying. Cancer. It’s, um…spread to my brain now, and there’s nothing more to be done. I’ve spent the last two years exhausting all treatments, and according to my most recent doctor’s visit, I have maybe three weeks left.”

  I couldn’t breathe for a moment. I just stood there, gaping. Part of me wanted to wrap her in a hug and cry with her, the way we used to when we were kids.

  But she’d left me. She’d left me with him…and I couldn’t cry with her anymore.

  Anger spiked through me, bringing out my inner bitch. “So, you brought me here to cleanse your conscience before you go?”

  Crystal rebuffed my scathing tone with a soft smile. “I’d love your forgiveness.” She looked up, staring at me with a peace I didn’t recognize. “I’ll understand if you don’t want to give it to me. It’s not like I deserve it.” She glanced down, gripping her hands together. “Just saying sorry will never be good enough.”

  “How could you just leave me like that?” I wanted my words to come out sharp and snappy, but instead they got strangled and I ended up stuttering, “Y-you just left without a word!”

  Crystal drew in a shaky breath. “I’m not saying it wasn’t selfish, but I wasn’t just thinking about me.”

  “Who else were you thinking about?” I frowned.

  She turned to look at the door. Her smile was beautiful as she softly murmured, “My son.”

  “What?” I barked. Shock was making me sound like an ogre. I cleared my throat, crossing my arms tight and glaring at her. “What son?”

  “I was pregnant.” Crystal swallowed. “That’s why I ran.”

  My lips parted but I couldn’t make a sound.

  “Davis would have killed me. If he’d found out I was knocked up, I don’t know what he would have done.”

  I clenched my jaw, my skin crawling at his name. How could she say it aloud like that?

  “So, he’s not the father?” I gritted out.

  Her eyes sparked as she growled, “I refuse to believe that. You never say that again!”

  The raging fear flooding her expression made me wonder if she was lying.

  If Davis the Devil was the father of my child, I wouldn’t be able to accept it either.

  I let her have her fantasy and quietly asked, “Who is the father, then?”

  “I never got his name.” She shrugged. “It was at a party. Just a bit of fun.”

  “Fun?” I closed my eyes, repulsion coursing through me. “How could you call it that? It’s…” I shook my head. “How’d you even get away with that?”

  “Davis was out of town that weekend. I snuck out after you were asleep. I needed to get out, do something normal.” She looked so sad and beat up. “I honestly can’t remember the guy’s name, but he had a sweet smile and one thing led to another.” Gazing across the room, her voice grew distance. “It felt good because it was my choice, and… and he has to be the father! I can’t believe anything else, Cass. It has to be him.” Her eyes were wild and wide when she whipped back to stare at me.

  All I could do was bob my head and whisper, “Okay.”

  Crystal closed her eyes, scratched her forehead and sighed. “I was so terrified that Davis would find out. He would have seen it as cheating. In his warped mind, we were in love with each other. Forcing someone to say that to you doesn’t make it true, but he wouldn’t understand that.” She let out a disgusted scoff. “When I found out I was pregnant, I was so scared. He couldn’t afford for anyone to know what he was doing to me, but he wouldn’t be able to stomach the thought that someone else had touched me either. In his mind, I was his.”

  I hated all this talk of our sick, twisted foster father. I had fingernail marks on my skin and my hands were trembling from gripping so hard.

  “I know I shouldn’t have left you, but he barely noticed you in the house and I figured…”

  Her eyes slowly traveled to mine, searching for the truth.

  No way in hell I was giving it to her. I was not unlocking that box. It was gone. Buried. That night never happened!

  Crystal gasped, her eyes popping wide. She shook her head, breaths spurting out of her. I obviously wasn’t hiding things very well. The realization in her eyes was ugly and brutal. “No, he was in love with me. He wouldn’t have touched you. You were only ten!”

  I glared at her remorse, despising it for a second. What the hell did she think would happen when she left? The man was a deranged monster.

  “No, Cassie, no,” she whimpered, covering her mouth with trembling fingers.

  I couldn’t say anything. For one, my throat was constricting, making it hard to swallow let alone speak. And two, I wouldn’t admit it. Not to anyone.

  “Did he make you say ‘I love you’?” Her whisper was pitiful.

  My whisper was hard and metallic when I finally found the voice to respond. “He tried.”

  Crystal sucked in a sob, her entire body shaking. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

  I stood beside her, cold and unflinching. I was struggling to breathe. I didn’t think it was possible to reach forward and take her hand. Instinct was telling me to comfort her but I couldn’t move.

  “I shouldn’t have left you behind, but I was desperate.” Tears spilled from her eyes. “I had this window of time. It was my only chance, so I took it. I convinced myself you’d be all right, that he’d ignore you like he always had. I couldn’t be pregnant and looking after you at the same time! I just…” The agony on her face was ugly…forgivable, but still I couldn’t say anything. “I wasn’t strong enough.”

  I swallowed, her torment making me relent just a little. Pulling a tissue from the box, I held it out for her. “You were only fourteen. If we’d had normal lives you would have been starting high school, not running away pregnant.”

  She slipped off her thick glasses and dabbed her eyes. “How’d you get out?”

  I turned away from her question, my skin prickling as memories tried to decimate me. Squeezing my arms tight against my stom
ach, I dug my nails in and counted to ten, grappling for control. I didn’t speak until I could talk without my voice shaking. “I’m past all that now. I’ve moved on. It’s been years, and I’m over it.”

  I glanced over my shoulder, checking that she believed me.

  She didn’t.

  I spun back to face the window.

  The silence that followed was filled with so much potential. I had the chance to wound with the truth, to lay it on thick and make her realize just how much I had to forgive her for. But I couldn’t. She was dying, and in spite of everything, I couldn’t help putting myself in her shoes. If Davis had found out she’d had sex with someone else…

  I shook my head, not willing to imagine his wrath. If I hadn’t lost her like I did, I may have lost her to a hole in the ground.

  A shudder shook my spine.

  “Cass, I need your help,” Crystal said.

  My first reaction was an indignant prickle. Thirteen years of radio silence and she was only calling to use me. I didn’t have any money. I wasn’t rich. I couldn’t bail her out of medical bills and—

  “I need you to take care of my son.”

  My heart hitched and I spun to face her. “What?”

  “They’ll put him in the system if you don’t. Please, please, you have to make sure that doesn’t happen.” Her voice pitched high. “He’s a good kid. He’s kind and sensitive. The system will rob him of all of that.”

  “I-I can’t raise a kid! I’m not…” I squeezed my eyes shut. “No! Crystal, you can’t ask that of me!”

  “Please, Cassie!” she practically screamed. “He doesn’t have anyone else. You know what the system did to us. I can’t…I can’t go until I know he’ll be safe. Please.” Her panic turned to gut-wrenching sobs. “Save him,” she pleaded. “Please.”

  Her tone made my skin crawl. I remembered it, that pathetic begging.

  “Stop. Please, stop.”

  He never did.

  I backed away from the sound, the memories set on destroying me. I couldn’t. I couldn’t lose control. With a firm shake of my head, I grappled for the door handle. “I can’t. I’m sorry, Crys. I just… I can’t.”